Today is the anniversary of the definition of me. I am often asked and often questioned and often misunderstood by those that do not know me well or haven't known me a long time. And when I think hard about where did the person I have become, when did I begin I would say it happened 22 years ago. We all have characteristics we get from birth, things we got from our parents, things we picked up along the way that makes us what we are, but sometimes experiences happen that seem to take charge. I have found in my life those that know me well and know about me, those are the ones that love me. And that's awesome, but I have also noticed specifically in the last few years, that those that do not know me, seem to try to figure out what makes me tick....this is the easy answer. I thought, you know I'm just going to spell it out.
22 years ago at the age of 20 my firstborn baby, a beautiful baby boy at ten days old went to sleep never to wake up. I was at a time in my life where things were not perfect, I was young and things weren't as I imagined they would but I was so very happy to have this perfect baby. He was my whole world and so much more. The pregnancy for me was a time of extreme planning. In my head I planned everything from his first steps all the way until his wedding day, and even the day I would meet my first grandchild. He was what I wanted to be. And during the ten days of his life, I was so happy that I have never felt that sort of happiness but when he died, for the first time in my life, I was at the lowest sadness a person on this earth could feel. My heart was utterly broken. The fact that I was not married probably made it worse because I had no spouse. I had what I felt at the time, lost everything in one moment. I had the love support of great family and great friends but my life's work, seemed lost. And I thought to myself, I am going to make my baby proud. I'm going to figure this out. And so for three long years, every word I spoke, every action I took, ever plan I made, was made with the thought, *Alex, are you proud of me?* Does he look down and say, "that's my mom?" So that is where I began.
When I found my wonderful husband, I knew he was pleased. Many of our first dates were sitting at my infant son's gravesite. I met Steve on my first mother's day after Alex died. Can you imagine this single man, just met a girl and he sits at a gravesite with a crying mother and he doesn't run away. And so I fell in love with my husband sitting at a gravesite for a baby. I made big plans in my mind. Our wedding, our marriage, our children. I knew that I would never weary and I would never tire of hearing the words "Mommy"
After we were married we had eleven beautiful children with one joining her brother in heaven. Alex always there in my heart, always my motivation. Over the years I've received beautiful words of sympathy but the sadness lays so deep in my heart that it is my motivating force. When Marilyn died too it pushed it right back to the surface and now I had two babies in Heaven. I sometimes wonder how can a heart handle so much sorrow but then again so much joy that I get from Katelyn, Carolyn, Jaclyn, Joseph, Evelyn, Madelyn, \Michael, Rosalyn, Tony and Gwena? Did I plan on having large family? No really I didn't. I was just open to the blessings and each time people would say, again? really? And I would think, again? really? haha. But as a Mom you take each happening as it happens. You make a judgement, you decide how to handle it and you put your best foot forward and I have to say looking back I would do it again a million times.
So sometimes when I overhear someone say the words that I am overbearing or I am so focused on my kids or I have too many kids, or you can imagine...on and on. I know they say these things with ignorance. They just don't know and if they do they just don't understand. When you have held your lifeless baby in your arms and you know its over and there is nothing you can do but pray for strength, than maybe you may understand. Yes I am focused on my kids,my family, my marriage and why is because I know what its like to lose a child. I do put them first after my wonderful husband because God has blessed me with a wonderful marriage and wonderful children and gave me the blessings of my children. I rejoice with their success and I sorrow with their sadness. I am me, I am the person I became on this day 22 years ago when I held my baby boy for the last time in a hospital rocking chair when I promised him that I would be the best person I could possibly be, that I would never give up and I would make him proud and one day we would meet again and he can look at me and he can say, the word I never heard him say, he can say "Mom." And he can say, you did good Mom. You made mistakes, sometimes you were overbearing, but you did good.
And when my ultimate goal is complete, when myself and my husband, God willing, enter the kingdom of Heaven and when my children's lives are complete and I've done what I can do to see them all reach Heaven's gates and the day comes when I have all my children together, and the blessing that was not made for this world, but the ultimate goal to see each one of my children together...that is my motivation.
So on this special feast of my son's entrance to Heaven I am reminded that it matters little what the world sees but it matters what my infant son, my infant daughter and the glories of Heaven...it matters to me.
Happy feast day baby boy. I miss you. I love you.
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